DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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