new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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