My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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