And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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