Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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