1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize