You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
