my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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