You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
