Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
