i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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