Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
