You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
