he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
