hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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