Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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