My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
