I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
