i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
