I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
