We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
