i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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