I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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