Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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