She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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