Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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