tonight lets celebrate not being married
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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