At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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