apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
