I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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