u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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