In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
