I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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