I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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