You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
