I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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