my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize