I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
