Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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