i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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