Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
