He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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