DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
sarcasm needs its own font
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
