where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize