Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
two words: eviction party
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
