i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
