Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
