I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
