i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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