the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
