and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
