currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
