what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
