drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
