I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
