did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
