i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
