he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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