I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
